Category Archives: Strength

Tattoos and Suicide Series: The break(ing) of me

So I have been running and not taking a break. I have been struggling my way through explosive meltdowns, tantrums, blackout rages, and frustration.  I felt it this week. I was there. Lost in the hole in my heart and in my head. Wanting something, anything to fill the void. I was hurting but I had and still have NO idea why. I am the one who always finds the sunshine. But right now. I just don’t know how much more I can take before I break myself. I tried to leave. I packed all my stuff. And I started to walk away. Because not only am I now dealing with this pain, his pain and my own, I am losing my shit on our son. He deserves the very best me and lately all he has is the worst. I am really trying and I knew the road ahead would be tough. But still, I could not have been prepared for the rollercoaster this has been. I have days where I walk on eggshells, I can’t really TALK to him anymore. Because he can’r remember anything, and he stresses out so easily.

And in all of this, I am losing myself. I know this because of an injury my son recently got. He fell and hit his head. It was an ER worthy injury. I prepared to be mommy and do it all when a little voice said to me “I want dad instead please” and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I was so happy he has accepted our new routine. I work 35 to 40 hours a week at 3 jobs to keep us going right now, KP does all the homeschooling and most of the parenting) But him not wanting me, and him being more afraid of how I would react about him not wearing his helmet than his injured head made me see I am on a spiral I need to get in check.

About every 4 or 5 years I have a break. A serious fuck it all snap out. Usually I know it is coming, and usually I can plan and prepare for it. Usually I can see the warning signs. But once, I couldn’t. On that day, my ex came home to hear shattering glass, and he followed the trail of broken plates, cups, mugs, and pottery on a trail to the basement. It was flecked with ketchup, and he thought it was blood. I never was allowed to buy glass ketchup bottles again. I had broken every single piece of glassware in the house. It was everywhere. I was sitting at the bottom of the basement steps staring at nothing. I had no idea what had happened. I was just. There. I don’t remember much about that day. It was one of the few times my ex did something decent. He cleaned me up, cleaned the glass, bought us all new plastic dishes. I worry now, watching my husband. Seeing his black outs. Feeling his anger when he can’t stop the mood swing. I do not worry he will hurt us. Thanks to the nerve disease, he has no strength to do so. But I do worry terribly about what will happen if I snap back.

I have a child now. I have too much to be thankful for. But I feel like I am being come at in a million directions. I feel like I have no control over this situation, and even though I seemingly live my life like a humming bird, I do in fact have a rhyme and reason. I do think things through and plan and manage. But I can not control this. And that scares the hell out of me. Meds help. But he is still so unstable. I also worry one day I will find him gone. He says he is no longer suicidal, Hurricane needs him. Great. But what about the days he feels like a burden since he can’t contribute to the house? What about the days he can not even get out of bed?  I am tired of being scared. And tired of being so wrapped up in my worries for him that my son is getting the heat.

I hit my break today with Hurricane. He got mouthy about me asking him to change his shirt because what he had on was not ok for being out today. He snapped at me and eye rolled, the whole 9 yards. So I told him he could stay with his dad and he lost it. Grabbed me and sobbed like he would never see me again. I wanted to and needed to stick to my guns. But I saw this broken little face. Who I could read was saying he needed me. The old me. The fun me. I just need to figure out how to be super wife and take care of my husband while also being super mom again. I just hope I can make my cape big enough to do both.

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The Challenge Awaits… but will anyone join me?

I realized something painful the other day. I have spun into negativity and it is wearing off on my son. I used to be a glass half full kind of girl. I then became an “At least I have a glass” girl. But then, the glass shattered, and lately I have lost my way. I scan newsfeeds on Facebook and I see so much pain. So much sadness. So much anger. And it consumes me. I comment. “How DARE HE say that to you?” I am instantly sucked in. “She is such a ________”. I get pissed off when something happens and I post it. And I have become an “Excuser” I make excuses or blame the world. I rant on twitter or FB. Or call a friend. “What the front door was he thinking? That guy is a douche and because of his bad driving I am late”  (Because me leaving the house in no particular hurry had NOTHING to do with it, honest!)

Then I met a woman who gave me the inspiration to change. I was early to pick up my son from the halfway point between my moms and home. All I focused on was getting him and rushing home in time to watch my football game. I was annoyed with the fact we were cutting it so close to watching the game, not thinking about the fact my mom has not seen her grandson in 3 months.

I made great time, and as I came off the exit ramp of the highway I saw a much older lady (I later found out she was 73) trying to cross the very busy road with her arms laden with groceries. In my head I was thinking, she is going to get hit. So I did what any normal person SHOULD do but what probably 30 other people had not.  I stopped traffic and insisted she get in my van and let me drive her across the street. She would have had to cross a 6 lane road with people doing an average of 60 and 2 blind spots and a hill.  With people laying on their horns behind me I stopped and refused to move, until she got in. She refused at first. “Oh no dear, I am fine”  But I insisted.  I just knew in my gut if I did not pick this woman up, she would be on the news as a lost angel. I figured seeing my soccer madness (I coach and the backseat was full of ball bags and cone clutter), my yoga pants and messy hair, she decided I didn’t look like a murderer, and she got in. I asked her where she lived, and ended up taking her all the way home. She told me to leave her at the corner, and I told her I was taking her to the door.  I drove her into a neighborhood my friend KT told me I was insane to have been in. KT’s direct words were “Now I KNOW you are a crazy ass cracker redneck, who can handle herself like a hoodrat, but I don’t even go into that part of town, and I would fit in. You done lost your mind momma!”  And when I dropped her off she said something to me that really hit home. She told me she sometimes wondered if there is still good people with good hearts in the world. She knew there were, but lately everyone is so caught in their own lives, we seem to forget others are out there. And her daughter would never believe she was sent an angel. That hit me hard. I realized, she was right. She kept trying to pay me, asking if I needed anything. I told her to please just pay it forward. Do something kind for someone else. I realized, too, it was time for me to shift my thinking. I went into that day focused on rushing by. Instead, I need to slow down. And I need to focus on avoiding the negative. KT and I chatted as I worked my way back out of the neighborhood, and that is when we came up with a ten day challenge. I decided, with the two of us having such a great fanbase it was time to get others on board. So here is my challenge to you… (As posted to my Facebook Page)

Start a positive revolution with me! It’s officially the DAY. Our challenge will start today. (It’s 1 AM my time. Lets roll with it!) I have decided to start a mini-movement. Join me in the Mom-T for Drama Free for Positivity challenge! (Part 1, ten day challenge)

I am challenging my fans, all 9,459 of you (or the average 900 who actually see my posts) to go DRAMA and Negativity free and do positive things for the next 10 days. Its a hell of a lot harder than you might think. Because those every day annoyances can add up.

Rules and Parts of the Challenge:
1) No negative facebook postings/vents to friends/ commentary when life throws you lemons. Instead, try to find a way to make life take the lemons back. That guy in front of you is a brake happy asshat? He is slowing you down enough to see the cloud shaped like a bear giving a hug to a kitten. Kid spilled milk all over the kitchen table? Its a chance to show him/her responsibility and have them assist in cleaning it up, and at least your phone/laptop wasn’t in the puddle! Dog threw up in your shoes? Again? At least he is not eating them. Etc. And if the urge to vent comes, swallow it, and move on.

2) If someone posts drama, IGNORE IT. Do not comment. Do not LIKE. IGNORE AND MOVE ON. If someone tags you into drama, just remove the tag. And move ON.

3) Pay it forward EVERY SINGLE DAY during the challenge. Help an elderly person load their groceries into the car. Buy the next guy in line his Starbucks. Give to your local charity, or my personal favorite (my son did this once) Make smile face cards and hand them out to random people just to make their day a little better.

4) Write 3 REAL LETTERS and MAIL THEM in the US MAIL to a friend or relative. It can be someone you see all the time, or a lost relative. But send someone something that will brighten their day, besides a bill!

5) Disconnect time: Set aside at least ONE HOUR DAILY that is not time you would/should be sleeping to go wired free. NO internet. No cell phone, no distractions. Shut it down, read a book, play a game with your kids, visit a neighbor. Go for a walk. Meditate. But NO distractions! My time will be from 7 to 8 PM. If my friends who are on here catch me posting, liking, or commenting, call me out on it. 🙂

6) Reconnect time: Pick 4 people you have lost touch with and send them a note or give them an out of the blue call.

7) Spread the word- the more people you challenge to do this with you, the further this will reach. And the more people you will have to hold you accountable. So. If you are doing this with me, share it, and if you pledge to join me, comment below


Life As a Scale

I am a Libra.  As a Libra I am often drawn to the scales.  I have realized in many ways, life is a scale. Each and every event or action in your life affects its balance.  You can not live a perfect, balanced life, unless you experience both success and failure. You can not have a balanced love if you have not experienced the pain that often comes along with it.

Life as a scale is kept in balance with a series of memories and dreams. Each memory and dream or wish for the future is a weight that gets added on to one side or the other. Negative and positive.

When I found out my father was dying, I had to face that scale head on. The good times and happy memories were overshadowed and outweighed dramatically by the bad times and the harsh realities of life.  I had been through a lot with my father, I had a great childhood but my teen years were very rocky. He had no idea how to raise a teenage daughter. And with my mom working all the time, I felt like had no one to turn to many times.  In college, I made some stupid decisions, which he gave me a “told you so” attitude on. Once I got married (‘to someone not good for me’) and became a parent, he was constantly telling me I was doing it wrong. ALL I could see was that scale was sliding to the negative.  And at one point, I even found myself saying, I wished the cancer would do its job faster.

When I said those words aloud, I was smacked in the face. Literally, by a good friend of mine. She reached up and bitch slapped me like I have never been smacked before. Even left a hand print on my face. I was a scrapper as a teen, and my normal reaction would have been to lay her out. But I was in utter shock.  After I was able to regain my speech, I asked her what the fuck she had done that for. Her explanation was simple.

I would regret saying it. If she had had the chance to get her mother back for even 5 minutes, she would be happy. Because it would give her a chance to say all that was left unsaid.

Her mother had passed away about 4 years prior. She explained, at first she had no regrets. Her mom had been horrible to her in her early childhood and teen years. But, she found herself missing her mother every day. I did not understand why, and she told me,  after she had children of her own, she found herself doing things with the kids her own mom had done with her. Happy things.  She also found herself parenting her daughter in a completely different manner. She was more positive.  She began to see, the power of a negative thought can be so much stronger than the power of a positive one. I ruminated on this for days after our talk. It was hard not to think about it with a sore jaw.  I had a revelation. I would sit down with my father and talk to him. Try to release those negative thoughts.

The bad side of my life scale was being added on to by resentment, regret, anger, fear, repression. I was going to calmly and nicely tackle those head on before he died!  On a visit down to see him, before I was quite ready, he challenged my parenting style one time too many and I SNAPPED. It all came down to feelings.  Those emotions took on a whole new meaning for me. I opened my mouth. I told him every last thing that had ever been on my mind.  How if made me feel to be in good shape but be told I was fat. To get on A/B honor roll and be asked why I did not get all A’s. And more intimate arguments I won’t air out in a blog.  He offered me a glimpse into his childhood I never knew before then. And I realized why he chose to raise me the way he did. The balance shifted. It was not how I intended to approach him. In the end it was a raw, emotional experience. But it hurt about the same as that slap in the face had!

Once you put FORGIVENESS, love, strength, accomplishment, and openness on the side with the happy memories, even if few and far between, the scales become balanced and the weight of your life just…slips away.  I found that happiness and joy far outweighed  those negative emotions once I was able to let them go.

Be thankful every day, no matter what, for the people and the experiences you have had in your life. No matter WHAT the outcome, without that past, you would not be who you are choosing to be, nor do you have the same future.  Sometimes the scales slide out of whack. But without that past and without some forgiveness, I would not have the most important things in my life. I would not have experienced a life worth living IN not just for. I would not have my husband, my son. My entire world. Thanks for reading.

Famous Quote: Resentment is like taking poison yourself and waiting on the other person to die…


No guts, no glory…but is that really what I want?

I had to think about this for a long time. Do I really want to use this as a place to open my heart and soul up? I have made some great new friends since I started this wild ride. I never thought I was very funny, but when I started my Facebook(tm)  page I suddenly had this outlet. And it was fantastic! And I went from a handful of people and pages who found me amusing to nearly 3,000 fans in 4 months. All I can say as I watch those numbers slowly creep is HOLY CRAP! On my page, I let my guard down. I have my “real identity” locked down, so not many people even know who I really am. So I feel free to just be ME. Over the top, hyper, crassy, and sassy. I speak my mind. I have a set of balls on the internet. So…why can I not find them right now?

I have always, as I mention in my first blog, wanted to be a writer. I spent my life scribbling in journals a la Harriet The Spy and thinking about how awesome it would be to see my name on the cover of a book.  What it all boils down to is this… I am a giant chicken. Huge. Wuss. I am such a HUGE chicken I make the big red hen on a certain kids TV show look like a Peep.

You know the show…where the little girl has a talking map instead of a GPS, who runs around with a monkey for a babysitter. She is obviously sniffing her parents cleaning supplies or huffing whipped cream. A talking backpack that has anything you ever need? Where the hell was that when I was a kid? I could have used one.

But this morning I found my guts. I was sitting in the can, reading a book by a fellow mommy blogger. She is fast becoming a friend of mine, both online and, after a crazy day of ginormous inflatable monkey camel toe crotch fuzz excitement, I am thinking we might be able to become “real life” friends. 3 hours between us be damned. She found those guts. And I am so insanely jealous of her bravery. Perhaps the elevated toilet seat I have recently been relegated to was lifting my confidence as well as my lard ass.  But I am going to put it all out there. I think. Maybe….I might.

Do I really want to do this? My closest friends are the only ones who know a lot of what happened to me in my past. I managed to keep my problems a secret for 20 years and counting. My family has never heard about most of the stuff I have been through. My dad took most of my secrets to the grave with him. Yeah I know, I said we hated each other. But he also was my confidante. Nights with his insomnia we talked. A lot. He found out when I was 15 about my being attacked at 13. He found out lots of other atrocities I am still debating discussion of. He bailed me out of jail. More than once. If I  put all this out there…It may explain a lot to my family but it also may cause them grief. Will they even believe me since I held it all inside me for so long? Do I want to relive the details and pain or keep it all in my head?

It is going to take some time for me to truly get the confidence I need to put it all out there. But a LOT of my experiences in my life are why I parent my son the way I do. He is the most polite, intelligent, full of “fuck you” attitude kid I have ever met. He will hold the door open for a woman then fart as she walks by and break into peals of laughter. He always says “Yes please, no thank you, excuse me, please may I” but they often superseded by “Give me my damn toy back” “Mommy I am really pissed off at you right now!” and other things that make ‘typical’ moms gasp in horror.

I get compliments all the time on his manners and his advanced speech and vocabulary. I also get comments on his bad attitude and eye rolling sarcasm a-la a future teen. What the hell kind of a ride am I on? How did he get to be this way? So full of sugar and venom? And then it hits me like a ton of bricks. He may look almost exactly like, and have the quick temper of his father. But inside, he is me. 100%. He talks too much and at all the wrong times. He never stops to think about his actions  as he goes in at 500 MPH and deals with the aftermath. (Which is why for blog purposes I call him Hurricane.) And he is who is he because he is me. My sweet side, my scared side. My need to be all grown up and my desire to be snuggled and be a baby for just a little bit longer. My emotional and overly sensitive side. My naturally lacking of self-confidence side. This is a journey I am living again, through him. So maybe by putting it all out there, I can keep him from at least a little of the pain I often felt and still feel. OK. Confidence here I am. Lets do this thing.


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