SInce the suicide attempt my husband has been battling. Battling his inner demons. Battling doctors. Battling me. And NOW, battling a mysterious degenerative nerve condition, which has moved him into a walker or wheelchair, because he does not trust his legs will not give out on him.
Last night, when he thought I was asleep, I heard him talking to our cat. I kept laying and listening, because through it all, he has not talked much to anyone about his feelings and thoughts but his 2 best friends and his doctor. The cat is his biggest confidante. The cat even talks back. His focus has been on trying to figure out how to be super dad while he can barely walk. How to not feel totally useless when I am working 3 jobs to keep us on our feet. He feels useless, and often times, though he thinks deep down its just the medications making him feel so helpless and lost again (we are on option 7 for the nerve issues of 143 we can try and the major side effect with almost all is worsening depression), he starts to wish November or late Decembers attempts had been a success. Because now he is feeling so much physical pain in addition to the emotional. And he wonders if it is karma.
He once used to make jokes about “old people” shaking with their walkers. And larger people in wheelchairs “simply because they were fat” or “damn cripples” would get a laugh with his buddies. So is it karma? He wonders if it is revenge on him for his former hatred. He knows I keep telling him I can not live without him, and I would rather have a broken him than no him at all, but he wonders if I really do mean it and thinks I and our son deserve, and need, someone who can care for us, play with our son, and be a “real” husband and father. It is then I “wake up” I reach, as though it is an unconscious movement, for his hand, which is twitching a bit from the nerves.
I roll over and snuggle into his chest and tell him I love him and how thankful I am he is still in my life. Because in spite of it all, I really could not live and move on without him. And I make small talk about how awesome it was for one of his best friends to give Hurricane some lessons in baseball that day, and how lucky we are to have some amazing friends and family who can help our son learn the things I am too busy to teach him since Daddy is laid up for a bit. I remind him there are going to be rough days but there are 136 more meds to try. That we are together and through it all we will come out on top, because we are standing together and are strong in each other. And I keep hoping, one day, he will really hear those words and believe them.