Tattoos and Suicide Part III: Who is more angry, him or me?

I left my house tonight after hours of fighting. I am tired of the fighting. And being so angry. And feeling totally alone while surrounded with support. I am tired of fights he will not remember in the morning! I am totally surrounded by an amazing network of friends and family. But lately as I have shouldered burden after burden, the fight is one I am starting to think I do not want anymore. I am starting to feel tired. Tired of having all my ducks in a row and then missing my big shot, tired of fighting for someone who often seems like he no longer wants to fight for himself, and tired of fighting for myself and getting lost in the shuffle.
Its been such a long tough road. We just had our anniversary, and my surgery is in less than a week now. I have been wanting, needing, wishing, to feel more support. But instead I am being put under more pressure to be the strong one. So many people tell me I have it in me. But there are nights like tonight, where I sit in my car, alone in a Starbucks parking lot so I have net access, and feeling like I had no choice but to walk away, I want to just run. It took every ounce of my being to not hit the road and not look back. I know this is all part of the process, but damn it I am tired. I just want to scream back and not feel like my part in this does not matter sometimes. I love my family with all my heart, and I will fight til the end, but right now, I need to breathe. Just. Breathe. A little time and room to breathe. I just keep looking at that silver lining. Its gotta be there somewhere.

I spent a few days away from my Facebook world, focused on school, and tried to ignore the bigger issues at hand. I was sent a blessing in the form of a friend of my husbands who is helping me out, and I have been finally brave enough to reach out to those friends who have told me its ok to not always be a rock. But its not my nature. So instead, I will keep being angry because that is what is keeping me solid. I know its not the healthiest choice, but it will keep me going for now. And in a day or 2 I will let him know how I felt tonight when I walked out, how I almost didn’t come back. But how deep down after 10 years together, 8 married, I couldn’t walk away.  We have survived financial issues, foreclosure, deaths, suicide, and more.  Even the pissed off parts of me are parts of him. And life is not the same without it.

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About momtroversial

I am a mom who often parents in ways that are considered too old fashioned or too unconventional. My husband went through a major mental health breakdown and took me on the roller coaster with him. At some point we will get off this damn ride. I recently went through a series of life altering events that have made me re-think my whole outlook on life. I am trying to be the kind of mom my work as a career nanny should have prepared me for but it does not always work. I hope to impact the lives of others that I KNOW are living with the same fears, hopes, dreams, anger, pain, joy, and more. Suicide and ink and children and life. That's about it. View all posts by momtroversial

3 responses to “Tattoos and Suicide Part III: Who is more angry, him or me?

  • misty

    It’s a tough situation you are in and I understand. I’ve driven this path before and have hit rock bottom numerous times and let those demons take over my ever loving soul to forget what’s most important to me. That’s the thing though. You never forget and the heart ache and resentment within yourself is so hard to forgive when you know you’ve made a bad bad bad decision.

    I think when all is said and done. We get together for some regrouping time and relaxation. You need it. Your family and friends need you and besides if you ever took off like that, I would hunt you down and beat the ever loving shit out of you drag you back to your home give you a hug and love you 😉

    I’m here if you ever need anything. But you already new that. Love you!

  • Gaby Savaria

    I could have written this…….so sorry you’re going thru this and him as well…..

  • momtroversial

    Reblogged this on Mom-Troversial and commented:

    Part III of the series. I am reblogging them all in honor of Suicide Prevention Week.

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