Tattoo and Suicide, Part II: More than just you

This is part 2 of a series I am writing in regards to my husbands attempt at suicide and how it has impacted our family. Part one can be found by following this link: https://momtroversial.wordpress.com/2013/01/24/the-tattoo-that-saved-a-life/ Thanks for reading, and for the support.

On this journey of healing for King Pig, so much has changed. A suicide attempt. I still can not recover from this. I admit it. I partially place blame on myself. How did I miss the signs? How did he hide this from me? His WIFE? His partner and best friend? Life has literally been uprooted and stood on end. Every expression he makes now may have a hidden meaning. Every day I have to leave him alone to go to interviews or to work I worry and wait and worry some more. Outpatient is complete and now we are down to bi weekly visits to a doctor. But I worry. Is that enough? Are the medicines really working or is he putting on a show? He hid it from me for so long. His turmoil. His pain. I can not let it go. I am scared to leave the healing in his hands. But deep down I know it is HIS hands that must heal himself. His and the hands of God that reminded him what he has to live for. But now, the doubts. The questioning. WHY is he still here? I can  not figure this out. My brain won’t slow down. His won’t either. But that is part of what got him here.

Me: Can I get you anything?
KP: Nope, I am just feeling a little tired.

Twenty minutes later… he is starting blankly at the TV and makes a funny face.

What’s wrong honey?
Nothing! Why?
You made a face…
So, I made a face. Whats the big deal?
Well you looked like you wanted to say something. Whats going on in your head right now?
Nothing! Can’t I just make a face?

Its been such a struggle for us, and to top it off now, he is having some medical issues. He is not going to be returning to work.  Now what? How do we adjust? How will we make it? Why is he looking so sad today? I caught him the other night in a very truthful mood. He told me sometimes he still wishes the suicide had worked. He feels like with his new disability he is more a burden. I wish I could help him see how much he means to me and how much I really and truly need him.

One thing about all this that is interesting. Our marriage has gotten stronger. He finally sees all I did and still do for our family. He admits when he misses me. He admits if I was not around, he would be lost in how to handle some of the simple stuff.  But he also loathes the fact I have to do so much. The fact I sometimes need to be reminded to manage all his medications because the doctors suggested it would be best if I kept them all under lock and key and monitor how many we have of OTC stuff I leave out. He hates the way the therapist looks at him when he gets really worked up over something because she touches a nerve, how I can be such a bitch because I am tired as hell all the time, and how I practically treat him like a child.

I hate not knowing if I can leave him alone. I hate worrying every time he gets home late that he stopped to “finish the job” and wondering how I am going to make it if he is not here with me. I hate knowing I almost lost a part of me and feeling like I am somehow a little to blame, for not pushing it further and making him talk about his feelings. I hate knowing he does not trust anyone enough to just let go and let it all out. Because he is scared he will end up “locked away” again.

I love knowing he is now around to raise my son and I am heartbroken and yet relieved when my baby boy says he wants daddy to kiss his boo-boo better instead, but I could at least get a band-aid out for daddy. I am missing my old life of comfort and facebook and lunches with friends and part time work, and playing all day with my boy and sometimes loathing endless doctors appointments. And in the middle of it all I have a tumor. Which could be cancer. Joy. What could possibly be next?

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About momtroversial

I am a mom who often parents in ways that are considered too old fashioned or too unconventional. My husband went through a major mental health breakdown and took me on the roller coaster with him. At some point we will get off this damn ride. I recently went through a series of life altering events that have made me re-think my whole outlook on life. I am trying to be the kind of mom my work as a career nanny should have prepared me for but it does not always work. I hope to impact the lives of others that I KNOW are living with the same fears, hopes, dreams, anger, pain, joy, and more. Suicide and ink and children and life. That's about it. View all posts by momtroversial

6 responses to “Tattoo and Suicide, Part II: More than just you

  • Christina

    Holy shit woman! I don’t know you at all but I wish like hell I could fix something for you! The fact that you’re still going after all of this is a testament for how strong you must be. Keep your head up

  • luciddream85

    I wish I knew what to tell you. I wish I had some advice. I’ve been the person on the other end of the spectrum; the one attempting the suicide, but it was when I was a teenager, just trying to find my voice. Never as an adult that would wish to end my life and remove myself from my daughter and my family. i will pray for you and your family, and hope that this tumor is curable, and that your husband finds himself.

  • myra elwell

    My dear, sweet lady. First, you are not alone. Second, it is ok to be scared and mad and to feel all the things you feel right now. With that being said, there is also one thing you must realize: You cannot control everything. At some point, you will need to understand that you need therapy just as much as your husband does. In a very real way, you are grieving the death of the old him. This new him is frightening because you don’t think you know him. But, realize that there are parts and parcels of the man you love inside there still, waiting to be pieced back together. It is scary as hell to realize that YOU are going to have to be the one who pulls on the armor, picks up the sword and shield and steps out onto the battle line to wage war on the darkness that wants your husband’s mind, body and soul. It is a decision only you can make, deciding to do that. But, you are not alone and there are people out there who can provide help and support for what you are going thru. I’ve been going thru it for the last 18+ months with my own husband,.. He did not formally try to commit suicide, and I think being diagnosed with moderate to severe bi-polar disorder and ocd sent him sprialing down into depression worse because in his family, if you have mental issues you are completely stigmatized and ostracized. I knew my husband was in there underneath the monster and as much as it frightened me, exhausted me, drained me and sent my already ill health worsening, I could not give up on him. Just as you cannot bring yourself to give up on your husband. If you let it twist and turn inside you to negative feelings, then the darkness will have already won and it will be a slow kind of murder for you both. You cannot do this alone and help is out there. It will show up in the most unexpected places, you just have to be willing to accept it when it comes. If you have chosen to put on that armor and fight, then do not fight against yourself. You make no mention of any kind of faith, and if you have that in your life, then, I encourage you to seek support from it. (Church family, spiritual family, ect) Meditation time is my sanity. It gives me time to myself to quiet my mind and center myself for the day each day. It is imperative that you take time to take care of yourself in some way. It is also imperative that you draw personal boundaries and enforce them. You will also have to learn to re-build your trust in your husband again and realize that you can learn to distinguish between when something is really wrong and when it is just a product of your own fears projecting out onto him. Obviously, he is not at a stage where you can voice all of your feelings to him about the whole thing. Which is why you do need someone to go vent to. An objective third party that can just listen and let you pour it all out and help you work thru it. Being the caretaker of a mentally ill spouse is not fun. It is the most excrutiatingly exhausting and heartbreaking experience one can undergo. But, there are moments in which you come to realize just how precious and awe inspiring it can be to be able to see them progress towards recovery. It is like watching your child see the world for the first time. Because, for a mentally ill person, when their mind is pieced back together and they can see the world without that brokeness again, it truly is new and refreshing to them, and a huge, huge relief. To be able to put yourself in the position of protecting that person long enough for them to heal is a vast undertaking in courage, dedication and, yes, love. And I will leave you with this thought: Courage is being utterly terrified but standing your ground and facing what is scaring the hell out of you. Sometimes, all you can do is whisper “Please God” while you cry. But, you are heard, and you are never alone. ME

  • reshapemama

    Sending you hugs and prayers my friend.

  • momtroversial

    Reblogged this on Mom-Troversial and commented:

    Part II of the series. 4 Parts so far, a few more in draft mode.

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