The Importance of Handwashing (Rated PG13)

As a mom, we always have to push our kids to properly wash their hands.  I must remind my Hurricane about 20 times a day to wash up. And my  normal response from him is “But MOM! I am a boy! Boys are supposed to be grubby!” or “But MOM! All I did was pee! I hold my junk not rub my stuff!” I normally stifle peals of laughter at these statements then slap on the mom face and voice and tell him to wash up.  And we ALL know at least ONE hand washing tune. (♫♪♫♪Top and Bottom Top and Bottom, In Between, In Between, Rub those hands together, rub those hands together, now they’re clean, squeaky clean!!♪♫♪♫. To the tune of London Bridge or my personal favorite (To Shake my Sillies Out) ♫♪We gotta wash wash wash the germs away, wash wash wash the germs away, wash wash wash the germs away wash em down the drain. We gotta use the soap for lots of bubbles, use the soap and make lots of bubbles, use the soap and make lots of bubbles, wash those germs away, we gotta rinse, rinse, rinse the soap away, rinse rinse rinse the soap away, rinse rinse rinse the soap away now our hands are clean!♪♫♪♫)

I worked as a CNA for a few years, and taught preschool, and as a nanny I was an infant specialist. So I am a bit of a nut on the subject of hand washing. I even bought some of that special black-light powder to help show him how much he was missing when he washed.  Showed him how to scrape his nails around on his palms and really get in there. He has gotten really good at it. I, however, apparently need a refresher.

My husband has recently been diagnosed with major arthritis in his feet. Every night I help him elevate his feet, and on really bad nights I rub them a bit to help loosen the joints. Last week, he was having some major issues and was in worse pain than normal, so I decided to rub a small amount of Tiger Balm lineament on them. Now anyone who knows about Tiger Balm can tell you, its strong. Ridiculously strong. And THIS was the ULTRA strength. So I rubbed his feet, massaged in the balm, then hit the bathroom to wash my hands. I did the deep scrub, taking care to scrub well, because I know from just the smell, a little balm to the eye would probably feel like sticking a hot poker in my eye pretty rough.

About an hour went by,and I ran to the bathroom to pee. Flush. Wash. Rinse. Dry.  Return to bed. And suddenly it hit me. THERE. The most horrid awful burning mother of all that is holy hell in the world. Some of the ladies out there may have heard of a product called clitoral stimulator. A lot of those home fantasy party things sell it. It is basically a low dose of Icy Hot you put on your hoohoo and it is supposed to enhance your experience. A neat trick at those parties is to have a volunteer put a dab on, then spend the rest of the party having the rest of us laugh at her while she wiggles around in a Harlem Shake-esque fashion in her chair. But this. This was the worst sensation I had ever had. And I had a bad experience with a bikini wax once. I would gladly get that wax from hell again over this. Fellow blogger from over at Insane in the Mom-Brain had a similar run in, when Icy Hot migrated from a muscle pull to her hooha. So she may be one of the few who gets this first hand.

Tears sprung to my eyes as I ran for the bathroom. What in the holy hell just happened? How in the hell did I get Tiger Balm THERE? Oh sweet mother of god. The burning. Cold washcloth. Lots of soap. OH GOD its not getting any better. More water. More soap. Maybe a sitz bath. yeah. run cool water, sit down. Scream. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. More water. More soap. WHY can it not stop? How the hell long is this going to last? Are you serious? Pain relief for up to 6 hours? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!   How the f*** did this happen? I washed. Thoroughly. W. T. F. Aloe. YES. Aloe. No. O.M.G please make it stop. How could I possibly have gotten Tiger Balm THERE? OW I scratched myself. Wait…scratched mysel….

And that is when the offending party hit me. A fingernail. I keep my nails short, because I clean houses and work with kids. But I decided while On a job hiatus to grow them out.  I did the palm scrape. But apparently, it was not enough. So, after about an hour of scrubbing with cool wash cloths, which all went in the laundry to ensure no one got residue anywhere else, I scrubbed again with a nail brush. And then chopped them all off. And the next morning had a long talk with Hurricane where we practiced our hand washing again. Because (wiggling around) everyone can use a refresher. Someone pass me the soap.