I am not ready to be a mom…

I had an interesting day and came to a totally honest revelation on my way home. I am not ready to be a mom. Which kinda sucks ass, because I have a 5 year old son to raise. But I have decided, I am not ready to be a mom.

I had a decent day with him but he is in a weird, whining about everything temper tantrum, baby/big boy stage. Which makes me want to strangle him on a frequent basis. But heaven forbid I raise my voice to him or anything in public. I might be called a bad mom.  But then, he did it. He did the one thing that horrifies me to the point I am ready to find a hole and hide and never come out. I yelled at him to “Get over here RIGHT NOW” and as he approached me, he cowered down. Like he thought I was going to beat him soundly. And my son gets spanked so rarely I almost died. As a large group of people stood staring, hands ready to call Child Protective Services on me, I froze. And decided, I am not ready to be a mom.

Emotionally, I do not think I am cut out to be a parent. I go from loving him with every fiber of my being so hard it hurts, to being so horrified or disappointed when he makes a mistake, in under 3 seconds. Being a parent is enough to make anyone understand what it is like to be bi-polar. You can be happy as hell one minute and sad as hell the next. Every single day he comes home with a report about being too much in class. Too loud, too wiggly, too talkative. And it drives me INSANE. Because he has it in him to be a good…no GREAT kid. So maybe the issue is not him. It’s me. Because I am not ready to be a mom.

I went over this with a friend of mine. Bless her and hand her the wine, because she has FIVE boys. FIVE. Ages 14 down to 2. And the best news I heard all day, was her telling me… she is not ready to be a mom either. I have another friend, I call her my Martha Stewart friend. Because everything in her life has gone perfectly and planned. (Only no jail time for her, LOL) But even she was not ready. Being a parent SUCKS. Honestly it does. Anyone who thinks it does not is full of it. It also is AWESOME. It is heartache and headaches and love and intensity and chaos and happiness and love and hate. It is amazing. It is awful. But heaven forbid you EVER mention the awful. Because when you do…you prove…you are not ready to be a mom.

I am not ready to raise someone and turn them into an amazing human being. I have not even figured out what the hell I want for and from myself.
I am not ready for the struggles of parenthood. The hugs and heartaches. The tears. Being torn between tough love and wanting to wrap up and protect.
I am not ready for the nights without sleep when night terrors rock his little body, and the pain that comes from knowing there is NOTHING I can do to make it better.
I am not ready for being looked at and made to feel like a failure as a parent because he can not stay in control in school.
I am not ready to face he might have an issue like a learning disability, ADD, or other special needs.
I am not ready to face any of it.

But then again, I have found strength for him I have not ever shown for myself. I spent YEARS with my own health struggles and never ever fought for my doctors to really hear me or look at me.  Then he got sick. And sicker. And I fought tooth and nail for them to hear me. Something was NOT right with my son. Finally, after 2 years, someone listened. Turns out this mommy was not crazy. He was not textbook but he DID have a problem. (Severe GERD which he still has now at age 5)  Because I knew something was wrong. He was being bullied by a kid in our neighborhood. I helped him learn to stand up for himself. He got the bloody lip to prove it. But now the other kids do not pick on him. I taught him to take care of his friends, and when a bully was pushing around a friend he thinks of as his little brother, he came to his defense. He struggles to be brave, while still being so little. But he is getting more and more confident each day. He is well spoken, and intelligent and full of energy and enthusiasm. So maybe, just maybe I have it it me.

I do it my own way. My mom, my family, none of them get it. But he has been doing ok. So maybe I am not ready. But I think I have it in me to keep trying. Because, lets me honest. Even if you have 5 kids or 15, you are never really ready.