I am a Libra. As a Libra I am often drawn to the scales. I have realized in many ways, life is a scale. Each and every event or action in your life affects its balance. You can not live a perfect, balanced life, unless you experience both success and failure. You can not have a balanced love if you have not experienced the pain that often comes along with it.
Life as a scale is kept in balance with a series of memories and dreams. Each memory and dream or wish for the future is a weight that gets added on to one side or the other. Negative and positive.
When I found out my father was dying, I had to face that scale head on. The good times and happy memories were overshadowed and outweighed dramatically by the bad times and the harsh realities of life. I had been through a lot with my father, I had a great childhood but my teen years were very rocky. He had no idea how to raise a teenage daughter. And with my mom working all the time, I felt like had no one to turn to many times. In college, I made some stupid decisions, which he gave me a “told you so” attitude on. Once I got married (‘to someone not good for me’) and became a parent, he was constantly telling me I was doing it wrong. ALL I could see was that scale was sliding to the negative. And at one point, I even found myself saying, I wished the cancer would do its job faster.
When I said those words aloud, I was smacked in the face. Literally, by a good friend of mine. She reached up and bitch slapped me like I have never been smacked before. Even left a hand print on my face. I was a scrapper as a teen, and my normal reaction would have been to lay her out. But I was in utter shock. After I was able to regain my speech, I asked her what the fuck she had done that for. Her explanation was simple.
I would regret saying it. If she had had the chance to get her mother back for even 5 minutes, she would be happy. Because it would give her a chance to say all that was left unsaid.
Her mother had passed away about 4 years prior. She explained, at first she had no regrets. Her mom had been horrible to her in her early childhood and teen years. But, she found herself missing her mother every day. I did not understand why, and she told me, after she had children of her own, she found herself doing things with the kids her own mom had done with her. Happy things. She also found herself parenting her daughter in a completely different manner. She was more positive. She began to see, the power of a negative thought can be so much stronger than the power of a positive one. I ruminated on this for days after our talk. It was hard not to think about it with a sore jaw. I had a revelation. I would sit down with my father and talk to him. Try to release those negative thoughts.
The bad side of my life scale was being added on to by resentment, regret, anger, fear, repression. I was going to calmly and nicely tackle those head on before he died! On a visit down to see him, before I was quite ready, he challenged my parenting style one time too many and I SNAPPED. It all came down to feelings. Those emotions took on a whole new meaning for me. I opened my mouth. I told him every last thing that had ever been on my mind. How if made me feel to be in good shape but be told I was fat. To get on A/B honor roll and be asked why I did not get all A’s. And more intimate arguments I won’t air out in a blog. He offered me a glimpse into his childhood I never knew before then. And I realized why he chose to raise me the way he did. The balance shifted. It was not how I intended to approach him. In the end it was a raw, emotional experience. But it hurt about the same as that slap in the face had!
Once you put FORGIVENESS, love, strength, accomplishment, and openness on the side with the happy memories, even if few and far between, the scales become balanced and the weight of your life just…slips away. I found that happiness and joy far outweighed those negative emotions once I was able to let them go.
Be thankful every day, no matter what, for the people and the experiences you have had in your life. No matter WHAT the outcome, without that past, you would not be who you are choosing to be, nor do you have the same future. Sometimes the scales slide out of whack. But without that past and without some forgiveness, I would not have the most important things in my life. I would not have experienced a life worth living IN not just for. I would not have my husband, my son. My entire world. Thanks for reading.
Famous Quote: Resentment is like taking poison yourself and waiting on the other person to die…